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Got up, peed, threw on some shorts and a t-shirt, grabbed a mug of coffee and went out to the patio. Sue was sitting, reading the Mercury-News business section, completely dressed. I went over and touched her cheek. She didn't look up from the paper.'Morning.''You're up early.''I woke up all sticky and needed a shower. Besides, I've got a lot to do today.''I had a wonderful time last night.''Me too. Gotta go.'And she got up, put the paper down on the table, gave me a peck on the cheek and left.OK, so I'm a romantic. Except that's not it, well not all of it. I CAN be as romantic as the next guy, probably more than most. But what I really crave is that sense of oneness that we felt that night, and to a lesser extent, a few other times. But what I finally figured out was that the closeness that I craved was suffocating to her. While I drew tremendous peace and reassurance from that feeling, she was terrified of the loss of self it entailed. That evening, when I came home from work and. "During our informal engagement that was what we did for sex. It still bothered me that during that time Kathy sometimes made Amanda go on dates with Ed that always ended with him fucking her. I tried to get Kathy to make him stop but she said Amanda needed to experience a real man occasionally. Amanda was too timid to stand up to Ed or Kathy so once we were married I was going to move Amanda far, far away from here.The wedding was simple, not many guests. Amanda's parents had died in a car accident so her family consisted of just Kathy and I didn't tell my parents because I was afraid Kathy would embarrass me in front of them so most of the people there were friends of Frank and Ed. Kathy had picked out Amanda's wedding dress; a silky white wedding dress that only reached half way to her knees. Ed was my best man.Kathy had also arranged for our wedding night in the honeymoon suite of the best hotel in town. After the wedding reception I was to go ahead to the hotel and get champagne.
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